Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
The Woman Of My Dreams
Good Day Gentlemen… Its been some time since I’ve contributed to this blog… However as the cooler fall weather is now upon us …. It is officially now “boo” season…. No!!! I’m not talking about Halloween!!!
This is usually the time of the year where bloggers, magazines, and other online outlets begin to discuss the “ideal” woman… or “how to keep a man”…. Or “how to get a man”…. The articles have already begun to appear… These articles are great entertainment. However, they offer somewhat of a Pollyanna view of love and relationships.
My ideal woman is never listed in any of those articles. Even as I’ve matured in age, wants, needs, and desires… The woman of my dreams never seems to be encapsulated in any of those articles.
A lot of men will say regular sex, a cooked meal & STFU is the ideal woman. So I will concede at the outset that the ideal woman is going to be different for every man
My frame of reference for the woman of my dreams goes back to the women in my family… My Grandmother and Mom were the epitome of silent strength.. Neither were obnoxious, loud, or prideful… Neither of them screamed to the world “I’m a strong bla bla bla bla”… they just did it.. Both of them offered unconditional love and never expected anything of me… Then, my sisters… They challenged me and screened out the women who may not have been best for me. My sisters gave me an insight to women that I’d otherwise not have. They both love their children and would sacrifice anything for their families.. Last are my daughters… The epitome of beauty, youth, and vitality. My daughters keep me young but they also bring out in me a strong desire to protect. I’ve been blessed to not have any teen pregnancies or substance abuse.
As I reflect on the woman of my dreams It becomes natural to default to my foundation… or my frame of reference. As a man I can already do all of the “domestic” things that are traditionally considered the female gender role in the home… Cooking, Cleaning, Laundry etc… is something every man should be competent at….. As an adult I’m already taking care of my “financial house”… the Fiduciary role and stewardship that I have over my home is essential to me being here.. Spiritually, I’ve been walking with God for 15yrs now and I’ve been blessed beyond measure.
On the surface it would appear as though the traditional things men look for in an “ideal” mate are already addressed in my life … so how does a woman fit into that…
I’ve never pursued the loud or obnoxious…. I was never too keen on people who desired to be in the spotlight.. In the age of “swagger” it becomes difficult to find a woman who’s confident and comfortable in her own skin… without being obtuse about it.. So, without any further delay lets get into it..
The woman of my dreams would be conservative in her dress, demeanor, and appearance. I don’t need a woman who’s selling it, or trying to sell it to every man walking by… Those that desire that type of attention need don’t get my time. Faux Fashionista’s need not apply
The woman of my dreams would need to love her father…. Simply because that is the man who has protected, prayed and covered her…. He’s eventually the man that I will ask for her hand… before I ask for her hand
The woman of my dreams should smile.... laugh... be able to have fun.... Life is serious enough, having that inner joy and catering to your inner child is vital.....
The woman of my dreams must be cultured, have class, and be refined…. Please understand that there is a difference between a salad fork and a dinner fork… KNOW how to carry yourself in a variety of situations … above all, be a lady
The woman of my dreams must have manners and is polite…. Not just to me… but to everyone… I’m a firm believer in how you treat other people… you’ll eventually treat me
The woman of my dreams should be a person is selfless NOT selfish…. Christ said the GREATEST among you will be your servant….. My nature is to serve and be that Christ like servant… so I desire the same…
The woman of my dreams should be a woman of integrity… a woman of loyalty…. The truth is, there will be good times… there will be bad…. If the way you deal with adversity is to bail out… I don’t need you in my life…. Pray and Persevere is how adversity is handled…
The woman of my dreams should be passionate…. About life… about love… about service to the community….
The woman of my dreams should be well read, and aware of the world around her…. Yeah, knowing the latest lil wayne song may be important…. But knowing the current news of the day is also important…
The woman of my Dreams should love God and put him before everything else in her life…. We may be at different stages of our walks with God… but she must have a walk with God that she can feel and is tangible in her life daily
The woman of my dreams must have a pure heart… is ready to love…. She cannot be so jaded by the world.. past hurts… past relationships that the bricks of hurt, pain, and past relationships are the wall that starts being built between us from day one
The woman of my dreams must see the home as a sanctuary…. We fight the world outside the door… The home should be a sanctuary of peace and love.. …
Finally, The woman of my dreams should be a dreamer… and a supporter of dreams… From the moment I meet her, I will lay out the vision for my life.. my financial vision, and my spiritual vision.. Understanding her role as a help meet is important… HOWEVER, her being a dreamer and a visionary allows me to support her vision, dreams, and goals…..
PS: Last – The woman of my dreams should see herself as a queen…. No one or nothing will ever come between us
Gentlemen, understand that while this is not a complete list… this pretty much summarizes what my desire is. I didn’t come to this overnight and I’ve made my share of mistakes… Please understand, that the woman of your dreams can be a reality if you discern rightly…. Remove the concubines… side chicks… chicks with no money looking for a free meal .. or free movie…. Remove the women from your life who don’t seek your best interest…..
What you will find… You already know the woman of your dreams… its just that your view is clouded by all the nonsense in your life. ….. Just think about it
Namaste…
One, DNYC
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
5 Assets Women Need To Become 'Ms. Right'
It is true that the perfect man or woman doesn't exist. However, this rarely keep us from seeking the best when pursuing a relationship partner. Many men go into relationships just hoping their personalities and idiosyncrasies are accepted by women. But rest assured -- guys have compiled a lengthy requirements list of their own when it comes to choosing "Ms. Right". Let's take a moment to focus on the needs and desires of those respectable, upstanding Black men who often find it difficult to connect with a good woman. Obviously, the lack of good women isn't the issue. There are plenty to go around. But the challenge is finding a good one who possesses the qualities most men wish for.
Mybrotha.COM has compiled a list of the five most desired assets Black men seek in their 'Ms. Right'. Also included, is a brief description of how these assets influence the hearts and minds of men, and what women can do to make sure they're keeping up.
1) Support System
Most successful men have come to realize that a woman who has no goals or interests of her own, will have no interest in his goals and interests. A supportive spouse is essential for long-term relationship stability and will ultimately determine whether or not he succeeds or fails. The old adage "Behind every great man, is a great woman." -- holds an enormous amount of merit.
The saying is born out of observing the histories of the world's most successful men, how they persevered, and the support system in which they thrived. It's not a coincidence that even stronger, respectable women stood by their sides a majority of the time.
Whether your mate is a multi-million dollar marketing executive, a gym owner, or a goat-herder -- supporting his dreams and endeavors speaks volumes and is representative of your true love.
2) Being Sexy
There is nothing more tantalizing or satisfying, than having a beautiful woman to love and who loves you. Women naturally keep up their appearances whether they're in a relationship or not, but men hold an enormous amount of respect for those sistas who take the time to shine.
If you're a frumpy dresser who walks around with a permanent frown, be prepared for some extremely lonely nights during the dating years.
You don't have to wear the most expensive clothes, or pile on layers of makeup. But most men are visual creatures and our hearts are easily influenced by beauty and style. Once you capture us with your sexy image -- our minds take over and begin to concentrate on more important things.
3) Suzy-Homemaker
This may seem "1950-ish", but men do still love women who are great around the house. Good food, a clean environment, washed clothes, and well-kept children are important characteristics in determining whether or not a woman is wife material, or just someone to hang out with.
Husbands around the world will tell you that most men do not fully appreciate those women who are great homemakers. It's an unforgiving job and not all women are good at it. For those who excel in this arena, there is undoubtedly a glorious future with a good man waiting for you.
Now before you ladies get too steamed over the idea of being a homemaker, the desire is no different than a woman wanting some old-fashioned basics from a man (i.e. someone who is courageous; able to provide some sense of physical security; someone to lift those heavy boxes; and someone to mow the grass, etc.)
4) A Spiritual Mind
If you have no belief in a higher power, don't come crying to us on Judgement Day! Men who hold a strong spiritual connection with God, need women who are equally in tune with their own spirituality. Even if you can't tithe as much as you would like, or attend services every week -- a strong moral fiber rooted in your religious beliefs is important.
Any disconnect on a spiritual level will surely cause an imbalance in your relationship. A man who believes in a divine power and who worships regularly, will retain a moral and ethical system of beliefs -- and most good Black men seek a woman of great character who also follows the same, or complementary system.
You won't agree on every aspect of faith and religion, but a common ground is necessary for sustained growth.
5) Smarty Pants
Most guys won't admit it, but we really do look for women who are as smart, or smarter than we are. Men don't know everything... (though some of us think we do!), and usually find comfort in knowing we have an intelligent partner we can lean on.
We're not talking about a box full of college degrees here. But some level of academic success is a desire of many Black men. Guys believe that women who possess a sharp wit, are irreplaceable and command the utmost respect.
For men -- women with a high intelligence level are good for the duration of the relationship. This isn't necessarily true when those heated debates occur...(this is when guys wish women didn't know what they were talking about), but a woman with a strong mind is ultimately a blessing.
A worthwhile note here: All of these special assets work best when they are given with feeling and heartfelt desire. You have to want to support your spouse in his endeavors, and you have to want to be sexy, spiritual, and passionate about being his partner.
Simply going through the motions because you think it's how you should behave, will soon become a tedious task you no longer want to participate in.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Why Mistresses Have Everything to do with Marriage
I grew up hearing about mistresses from my mother. She would tell us about the "fancy women" her grandfather, Stephen Adelbert Griggs, an affluent Detroit brewer and municipal politician, maintained in what she disdainfully referred to as a "love nest." Why did Great-grandmother Minnie tolerate this? Because in her comfortable 19th century world, the alternative -- divorce -- was unthinkable. But Minnie put a price on her husband's philandering.
For every diamond Stephen bought his latest mistress, he had to buy one for her. So his love nest hatched a glittering nest egg of rings, earrings, brooches and uncut gems, which Minnie bequeathed to her female descendants.
My great-grandfather walked a well-trodden path, and that's why I wrote Mistresses: A History of the Other Woman as the central book in my historical relationship trilogy that includes A History of Celibacy and A History of Marriage. Mistressdom, in fact, has everything to do with marriage. It's an institution parallel and complementary to marriage, and it evolved to accommodate the sexual double standard that tolerates adultery in husbands but condemns it in wives. Like celibacy, mistressdom offers a fascinating perspective into how women relate to men other than in marriage.
Mistresses, it seems, are everywhere. One U.K. reviewer was startled to find the painful story of the end of her own first marriage on page four of my book. Bel Mooney's husband, British radio present Jonathan Dimbleby, suddenly plunged into a dramatic and obsessive affair with the magnificent soprano, Susan Chilcott, who was terminally ill with cancer. Against her anguished pleas that her very new lover consider his own well-being and not ruin his life for her, Dimbleby vowed to care for her until she died, and moved in with her and her little son. "I still do not adequately understand the intensity of passion and pity that animated my decision," he said later. "It felt like an unstoppable force." Yet he also "felt absolutely torn" about being away from Bel and their decades-long, happy marriage.
Less than three months after her last public performance, playing Desdemona and singing sorrowfully, her voice rising to a crescendo, "Ch'io viva ancor, ch'io viva ancor!" (Let me live longer, let me live longer!) Susan died. But a grieving Jonathan did not return to Bel and their tattered marriage unravelled into divorce.
My retelling of their story, Bel wrote, "was a reminder that there are no easy generalisations about this subject." But she did offer this perspective: "I admit to a suspicion that most men are susceptible to temptation. Show me a loyal husband and I'll show you one who's never had a real opportunity to stray."
Well, not all loyal husbands lack opportunity, but as Bel Mooney's personal experience suggests, opportunity is all too often irresistible. Remember when President Clinton was under attack for his relationship with intern Monica Lewinsky? We discovered later that as Reverend Jesse Jackson piously counseled and prayed for Clinton, he was also cheating on his wife with a mistress who was carrying his child. And Clinton's self-righteous prosecutor, Newt Gingrich, was secretly pursuing a passionate relationship with Callista Bisek, whom he married after divorcing his wife, Marianne.
Both Jackson and Gingrich mistook the waning years of the 20th century for an earlier era, when mistressdom was the familiar handmaiden of marriage. That was clear when Jackson's mistress, lawyer Karin Stanford, successfully sued him for child support. After millennia of protecting marriage by bastardizing the offspring of mistresses, indeed even making it difficult for men to recognize and provide for their "outside" children, our new laws essentially "outlaw" the concept of illegitimacy; they also demand parental accountability. Gingrich made another kind of mistake: he gambled on keeping his affair a secret but six years into it, he got caught. The values of the media world were also changing, and the man who had been angling to run for president on a platform of "family values" had to settle for divorcing his wife so he could marry his mistress.
The values of the media world were also changing, and the man who had been angling to run for president on a platform of "family values" had to settle instead for divorcing his wife so he could become his mistress's new husband.
Mistresses are not always ruinous to their lovers' marriages. Some people believe that love affairs enrich and enliven marriage. Frenchmen, for example, can justify the cinq à sept, the after-office-hours rendezvous a man enjoys with his mistress, by quoting French writer Alexandre Dumas's pithy observation: "The chains of marriage are so heavy that it often takes two people to carry them, and sometimes three."
The British multibillionaire Sir Jimmy Goldsmith, who died surrounded by his wife, ex-wives and mistresses, had another take on marriage and mistressdom: "When a man marries his mistress," Goldsmith opined, "he creates an automatic job vacancy."
In today's North America, when most marriages are rooted in mutual love and compatibility, mistresses pose a different and often greater threat to marriages. This was not always so. In the days of arranged marriages, when parents selected their children's spouses for economic reasons or to cement family, business or political alliances, romantic love was considered an irrelevant, self-indulgent and even treacherous foundation for marriage. Husbands and wives were expected to cohabit and operate as an economic unit, and to produce and raise children. They were not expected to adore one another or to fulfill each other's emotional needs. Though some spouses developed romantic feelings for each other, usually respect and camaraderie were as much as anyone could hope for, and many marriages were desperately unhappy. This was the context that prompted all but the most puritanical societies to tolerate the tradition of mistresses who enabled men to satisfy their romantic and lustful urges.
The times they are a'changing, and so is the nature of marriage and therefore of mistressdom. Laws and institutions are more egalitarian. Birth control is effective and accessible. Modern mistresses are less likely to depend financially on their lovers. Much more often they fall in love, usually with married men unwilling to divorce and regularize the relationship. The alternative to breaking up is the insecurity of the status quo. Many mistresses accept it but hope that somehow, someday, their liaison will be legitimized through marriage. Today as in the past, the two institutions are inextricably linked.Elizabeth Abbott
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Damaged Men – Who’s to Blame
Good Day Gentlemen, I’m writing today having had a Black Angus Steak Burger and some fries…. Best stuff ever!!!
But now, I’d like to broach the issue of Damaged Men… First, let me define Damaged!!!!... Lets start with Immature, Insecure, Needy, Hurt, and Broken.
The damage I believe really began years ago… For the last 50 or so years we’ve had single mothers raising men children.. We had a social welfare system that forced men out of the home so that women could collect social services… This created the entire “I don’t need a man” complex in a lot of women… Today 72% of black children grow up in single parent homes..
This also created an undesirable side affect. That is that because the women have no man in their lives the man-child becomes their de-facto man… How many women do we hear calling their sons Lil-Man… or Man-Man….. Ladies, he’s not a man… He’s not YOUR man…… he’s a child… You trying to create that man-child into the image of what you THINK a man should be is in part responsible for what we see today.
The fact is, for as many purported strong and independent women we hear about, none of them have ever been men. None of them will ever be men, None of them possess the qualities or capabilities to teach a man child how to be a man. These single moms have to discipline their children, and sometimes harshly… Many because of the age that they had the child are not mature enough to deal with the stress of child rearing… they lose control and create an atmosphere of respect through fear… Yes!.. the man-child fears his mother
This doesn’t, by no means, lets the fathers off the hook… The men fathering these children are the dope boys, hustlers or convicts…. Some just abandon the child because they’re incapable of being a man and providing for his seed.
The result is that now for 50 or more years, we’ve had men-children emulating their mothers which probably accounts for the explosion of gay men.. I’m still waiting for a study of how many gay men were raised in single parent households and emulated their mothers. Another path is the streets end up raising these young boys… They find comfort in the criminality and hustle. Gangs become family and a cycle of violence and poverty ensues. The other path is for that man child to become educated, go to college and have a life where he’s a contributor to society
This doesn’t negate the effect of the damage inflicted… Childhood abandonment inflicted by his biologic father & the resulting “not good enough” pathology…. An overbearing or abusive mother who will raise her hand and brutalize that child… when all that child desires is to be loved and comforted…. However that man child turns out much of the resulting adult man can be laid at the feet of his parents..
So, here’s the issue… These men grow up, and adjust the best way they know how. Get into relationships but never really fix the damage. This hurt is then projected on to their mate, wife, significant other and even their own children.
Hurt people only know how to hurt people.. the mothers of these men-children are hurt, so they hurt the child…. The child is hurt and grows up hurting other people… and never is the finger pointed at the ones who created the hurt… As I stated at the beginning for 50 or more years, single mothers have been raising men-children….
Put simply, the blame must be laid where it belongs. There may be some that don’t want to hear that… there may even be some who reject it… But the facts are undeniable.
Men who have insecurity issues, Trust issues, or Confidence/self esteem issues…. Men who are man whores screwing everything in sight…. Men who are gay because they’ve spent the formative years emulating their mothers dress and make up habits.. men with a misguided view of what a woman should be, because the only woman that they’ve ever know was abusive or brutalized them..
Yes Damaged and hurt men exist… yes those men need to look in the mirror and see who they really are and seek either Spiritual or Secular therapy to grow beyond their issues. In the end, we must find ways to break the cycle and mitigate the damage…
Gentlemen, if you’re hurting.. find help… Seek the comfort of the woman you’re involved with… talk it out… cry it out…. But please do not take it out on your spouse, date, significant other or children… Bouncing from relationship to relationship… Drowning your hurt in alcohol…. Smoking your hurt away with illegal substances is never going to heal you…
And ladies… if you’re not ready or willing to deal with the hurt/damaged man… be honest with him.. he may be successful… he may be the neighborhood dope boy….. but be honest… You can support him with your friendship and prayers… Being involved with him romantically you need to see it for exactly what it is…
Look inside yourself Gentlemen… you are the only one who knows what you’ve been through. See your hurt and seek some help.. at this point… all you can do is move forward… irrespective of who is to blame
Editor – DNYC
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Some Black People Aren't Worthy of the Skin They're In - By Lydia Cotton
While I am all for great entertainment, I can’t help but wonder when will I see a balance demonstrated on reality television in regards to black women? I’m sure I am asking too much when I sit on my couch and watch Basketball Wives considering that these women total claim to fame is spreading their legs until they hit the million dollar jackpot with a ring and baby in tow. My bad for wanting women who look like me to actually behave with a tiny dash of class when cameras are rolling and they are out representing a minority to the country and abroad.
I often question when this need for complete humiliation became imperative to appease the general public. I’m pretty sure that at one point is was completely acceptable and profitable to see black women and their families depicted in the highest regard in media or else Bill Cosby wouldn’t be one of the most successful and respected moguls in Hollywood yet this is what is favored present day. Do we really hate ourselves that much?
Unfortunately for the rest of us there are plenty of willing participants out there to perpetuate each and every last negative stereotype that has ever been joked about where black women are concerned leaving us not only with the reality of having to be ten times better than our non-black peers but fighting to make sure we are the complete opposite of BBW and various others at all times.
On another note, while I am sure individually these ladies are not as bad as they project, I find it irritating that Shaunie makes it a point to sit back and watch the drama that she set up unfold as if she is merely an innocent bystander. Chick please. Note to all of those who are in favor of the ex O’Neal, while her pockets are being stacked by the devil himself, let us all be aware that business savvy or not, success isn’t something that should only be measured by your tax bracket. As a person who has the public’s ear you have a responsibility to your community to be positive and leave a trail of substance where those after you would be proud to pick up and continue but I guess they stopped making those type of black people a couple of generations ago and all we are left with are those who are about their ‘paper’ no matter how many of their ancestors they have to spit on to get it.
Written by Lydia Cotton (posted courtesy of Lydia Cotton)
Editorial Note: Black women, YOU are responsible in part for the success of this show and others like it... The only way this changes is if you stop watching it.. The stereotypes being perpetuated on Basketball Wives, Real Housewives...etc only serve to project an image of you that perhaps you don't want or like.... The net result is people on the street, in the mall and the like looking at you the same way... Its guilt by association and that's the real harm Basketball Wives, Real Housewives, Single Ladies... etc pose to you...
Editor - DNYC
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)