Party Girls

Gentlemen, today I want to discuss Party Girls… You know the ones, They’re social butterflies… They’re at every party, they’re fun to drink with, fun to party with, fun to take back to the hotel and screw til 6 in the morning!!!!

But no one is marrying or dating seriously the party girl…. At 20 its cute, as an undergrad we all partied.. smoked weed.. and had meaningless sex..……. At 30 its desperate…. And if you’ve ever met the over 30yr old party girl you know she’s exactly the one you would never see building a life with… No man wants to imagine his woman in the club shaking her ass… and no good relationship can be started or sustained in a nightclub….

The problem is, most party girls are really nice people…. The dichotomy is that by the time you’re 25-30 you’ve realized that every night club is the same.. Same lame people trying to drown their problems in alcohol… or trying to represent a lifestyle that’s not sustainable. ($30,000/yr millionaires)

I’ve seen dudes pop bottles in the club only to re-fill those same bottles with water in the mens room… I’ve seen women get drunk mixing alcoholic beverages and ended up in some mans bed that they don’t know..... BALLIN, with no one to wipe the tears

The party girl at some point in her life tries to re-market herself..  Sometimes it’s a transformation that comes with maturity or spiritual calling, Sometimes it’s the realization that she’s not the hottest thing in the club anymore… Whatever the case she has an epiphany that forces a change in her mindset..

The problem:… People remember you as the party girl.. in a city like Atlanta, the party girl reputation precedes most women (because they're invited to every party)… Contrary to what you heard men do talk.. It starts in high school as overzealous bravado… It continues through life as sort of a Internet of information… Men speak about who they smash and who’s been a challenge to smash… party girls come at different elevation levels

Men will often times observe the actions of women and when they’re seen all over the place, at every party, club, etc…. They will either shy away from that woman… or Attempt to smash it … But understand gentlemen… there is a line of men before you and after you waiting for their shot with her…. Party girls most times don’t understand this.. They believe their beauty is what’s drawing the attention… NOPE!!!

What men seek is a woman who hasn’t given her heart to men with ease… One who hasn’t given her body away with ease… One who hasn’t invested time with a slew of men with ease… EVEN IF THAT IS ONLY PERCEPTION AND NOT REALITY

I’ve long counseled people that image is everything, and perception is reality.  Even if you’re the demure conservative chick at heart.. .but your social network page is slathered with party pictures and/or pictures with a variety of men.. This is an instant turn off for most men.

The reality is.. its 2011… Every woman over 30 that you meet will have had one intense romantic relationship… One man who’s made her scream…. One man who’s she devoted everything to…. And one man who’s broken her heart… and if you're really lucky hasn't been left with some mans children to take care of on her own..

Perhaps the party girl is masking her pain… perhaps the party girl is a free spirit who seeks other free spirits… perhaps the party girl is rebelling from strict parents… and perhaps the party girl just hit a new city and wants to experience everything the city has to offer…

Irrespective of the reason… the party girl is being observed from her twitter and facebook account to how she conducts herself publicly…. Perception is still reality!!!!  Most men will not commit their lives to that perception... And if you're the party girl, you cannot nurture that perception!!!

Truth is, there are plenty of “Dimes” out there.. but 10 dimes is only a dollar… Dimes are as common as gravel.. and as easily thrown away..  They say Diamonds are a girls best friend. Really they’re a man’s best friend..  A man of purpose wants something rare, something he has to search to find....not something common… Men of purpose and vision want to see the woman in their life as a compliment to that vision … And when you’re as common as gravel because you’ve fostered a reputation as a party girl, don't expect too many quality men to come your way...

Men may like you even respect you… But marriage??? Naaah son!!!

So, My advice to you gentlemen… If you’re still chasing party girls.. do your thing.. but you know that’s not going to last…. To the party girls,  make yourself a rare commodity and watch how many more quality men you attract…

Remember, Diamonds are rare and you have to go find them… Dimes are everywhere and pretty much worthless... especially given inflation.

Editor: DNYC

Baseball Hats

Good Morning Gentlemen… Its been some time since I’ve posted some food for thought… Today I want to talk about baseball hats… that’s right Baseball hats

I am a huge baseball hat fan.. I’ve collected them since the 1970’s…  I still own the very first fitted Yankee hat that my grandfather bought in 1976… I have college baseball hats from Grambling and LSU…. I own Penn State & PITT (I wanted to go to the Univ of Pittsburgh or Penn State when I was in High School)… I have baseball hats from vacations to Disney, universal studios, sea world…. I have baseball caps from those little boutiques in the airport in Rome, Geneva, London, Singapore..etc… Then there are the racing baseball hats from Formula Drift, Superbike, & F1….. I’ve got so many I’ve had to put them into boxes, vacuum sealed) and up in the attic of my home…

For as big a fan as I am of baseball hats… and all of the ones I’ve worn, sweated out, washed and destroyed… As a Gentleman I understand that there are some etiquette rules and guidelines towards wearing baseball hats and hats in general…

For one, I see way too many men sitting down to have a meal with a hat on… This is just poor upbringing… As as sign of respect its appropriate to remove your hat when you enter a building.. Military protocol is that your cover (hat) be removed when you enter into any hard structure…. Manners / Etiquette say that when you enter a building and especially when you sit down to eat… the hat should be removed….

The historical and even biblical context is that when you pray over your meal your hat or head covering should be removed… It is a sign of humility towards God… Headgear removal isn’t universal in all religions… the jews wear a yarmulke.... During medieval times, the helmet, hat etc.. would be removed when showing respect to the king.. Even today, wearing headgear in a court of law is seen as contempt of court…

Rules of etiquette say its ok/acceptable in a café or lunch counter… It is also proper etiquette to remove headgear when speaking to clergy, an elder woman or man, or when speaking to someone of higher social status, and when speaking of the dead or at a funeral… It’s also acceptable and proper to remove headgear when the national anthem is played or during the pledge of allegiance..

At the end of the day, headgear removal is about showing deference (respect) to the situation or the persons you’re in company with..

When dining with a woman or even mixed company… even when eating at a casual dining spot… remove your hat gentlemen.. it’s a subconscious visible sign that you respect the woman you’re about to dine with.

As I said… I’m a huge fan of baseball hats… and as I begin to lose my hair, I find myself wearing them more…

Editor - DNYC

Editors Note.... 2011 Marks the Centennial Anniversary of my Fraternity - Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity Inc... there will be a number of Centennial hats in commemoration of the Centennial.... Here is one that I like...

Man Up, D-Up: A Woman Speaks

I am a woman and I love sports. Decent seats to see MJ’s return from retirement to play the Knicks, a thousand dollars. The chance to see a last second shot, the clutch play, that “tongue”, priceless. And the off the court activities and subplots make the four quarters more than just a game. It’s not the 4 star restaurant I love, it’s a good game party at home or the local sports bar where not only beer and wings are flowing, but to hear regular everyday men become experts, scholars, scientists of the game is mesmerizing.

Actually, it’s closer to a miracle as I sip a Cosmo listening to my girls complaining about how hard it is to get their SO to talk. Say it ain’t so Joanne, because I just heard him deliver a 10 minute thesis on why Lebron will never be the next Michael Jordan. He had evidence to support his position, stats dating as far back as 1995. Surely, this man can hold his own in a relationship conversation, cant he?

Simple answer: No! In some weird freak of nature, the human male can dissect and analyze any sport and articulate his position to his fellow sport lovers or his apathetic wife who doesn’t get why he spends hours watching grown men run around chasing a ball. To speak fluently like this in two different languages takes a skill, a certain finesse people go to school for years to develop. But that same man hasn’t made the connection between the very sports he loves and the woman who hates his love of said sport.

Offense sells tickets, defense wins games!!! No one will argue this point when it comes to the NBA or NFL but your relationship? Short answer: Indeed.

Gentleman, think back to the first time you saw “her”. You had to have her and nothing in the world was going to stop you. Morning phone calls, random text messages, corny jokes, unmerited compliments; you were going in for the layup and Shaq couldn’t stop you. You were in the zone and if the truth be told, the more difficult she was, the more effort you put in.

Days, weeks, months, for some of you years later you broke her down and she said yes, we can go out on a real date or yes, I want to be with only you, or yes I will marry you. The crowd is on their feet cheering because with seconds left on the clock you made the buzzer beater. Game over!

Not even. What many men do is put all their energy into their offensive game, but not as much as a thought about their defense: In plain English, you got her, now what?

Now is where the work begins. Now is where you spend your time, money, and energy on the plays that will not get you a spot on ESPN’s plays of the game but will win the game for you.

You got the girl, you scored the goal, but don’t forget you have an opponent. For some, you are playing against her career, her independent lifestyle, her 25 years of watching Oprah, and yes for some, another man (women are not as loyal as you want to believe we are. Most divorces are initiated by the woman, think about it)!

So what do you do? Get back on defense! If you don’t want to come second to a career, make being home with YOU more appealing than working overtime or jockeying for a raise. You want her to turn your house into a home, compliment her skills in the kitchen, stock the frig with the ingredients for those chinese ribs that only she and PF Changs can make (yes, women have egos too!) You don’t want her going to happy hour with male “friends” block their shots:  Call her and if she doesn’t answer leave a message, send random text messages, send songs from youtube to her phone that mean something (I must admit, my man started doing this and this cheap move won me over. Homie had me waking up early waiting for a song, he gets cool points for that!) You want her to watch the game, make a bet. If your team loses, she gets a body massage and if your team wins… (okay I set up the alley-oop, throw it down, player)

If I had lead with this, you wouldn’t have heard it but I gotta break it down now. Your woman needs you to be checked in 100% to your relationship.  She wants to be everything you want her to be, but she won’t risk giving everything and getting nothing in return. Daily, she needs to feel that she is on your mind. She needs to have evidence that you have not forgotten her and that you are not taking her presence in your life for granted.  It’s not the big things, it’s the little ones. I watched my mother chew into my father for years accusing him of not caring. She stopped cooking and wearing makeup and jewelry (and only they know what else) He didn’t realize he was a candy bar away from being husband of the year and more importantly, quieting her complaining. Most men are like my dad. You are a candy bar, or a dollar flower (most women like a flower that’s cheaper than roses) an iPod download, a car wash, a dry cleaning pick up away from winning. Time out tip: You can’t play half of a game and expect to win. Be defensive minded.

Unlike the Mavs, you can’t always come from behind and win. (For those who are metaphorically challenged, winning is having a successful and enjoyable relationship that is not laced with arguments and infidelity)

If this seems like work, that’s because it is. If it seems like you have to do something every single day, that’s because you do.

Think of it like this: It’s a lot cheaper than a divorce!

Contributor - Celeste Layton

Where Did Love Go Wrong?

Gentlemen, I’ve just begun reading a book by Eric and Leslie Ludy – When God Writes Your Love Story… The book was highly recommended at Lifeway Christian Book Store for those entering into a relationship or those seeking to find the love of their life.. The book's premise is allowing God take the pen of your life and writing your love story.. He can write a much more beautiful story than I can, so I really have no problem with the concept. Through scripture we can learn how to love and heal ourselves in order that we can be loved..

So, I ask the question where did love go wrong, because there is so much bitterness, anger, resentment, animosity between men and women today that it is almost impossible to love or find love

Many women in metro Atlanta voice concerns about the man possibly being gay, and if he’s not they’re suspicious of any man who smiles at them or approaches with the slightest iota of kindness.. Then the flip side, those same women will and often do jump on facebook or other social media complaining about NOT being able to find a good man..

Many men cite the 500:1 men to women ratio, and generally respond to that abundance of women by acting childish. Those same men don’t trust women or respect themselves enough to understand that it is better to love One woman a million ways, than it is to love one million women one way…

It wasn’t always like that… men carping at women for the trife women they’ve encountered… women complaining about men that they’ve allowed into their lives only to make a mess of their lives..

Yet, while our ideas of love and relationship are often romanticized. We don’t believe that agape love can exist or will for us… so we walk around with a chip on our shoulders, unwilling or unable to trust anyone… and love escapes us all

Our image of love needs to at some point jive with our mental perception of what it should be. In a healthy whole relationship love should be pure. The expression and action of love should have a child like innocence. The hurt and pain of your past should disappear, and you should be as happy as Thumper and Bixby….

In the end Gentlemen… The arguing, discontent, mistrust and hurt that you may feel is your hurt. You should never project that on to the next person or take baggage from the last relationship into the next one…

Gentlemen, take some time in between relationships to figure out where the last one went wrong, and what your culpability is in that failure… It took two people to enter into the relationship. It took two people to make that relationship fail… Understanding that is the first step towards you having a healthy future relationship

When you find love, cherish it.. Protect it.. And provide for its health… Its up to you Gentlemen.. Now go and love somebody

Editor - DNYC

Passports & Credit Cards - Travel Edition

Gentlemen… It is officially vacation and travel season.. Whether you’re going to Lisbon or Montreal… to Bahrain or Singapore there are going to be a few things you’re going to need..

First Pack and check in your bag for your entire trip, plus two days in case you get stuck in a foreign airport. Then Pack a carry on bag so that if your baggage gets lost you have a change of clothes.. Most hotels, even international hotels have laundry service (ask the concierge when you check in)… Dress appropriate for the weather…

Before you travel internationally, you will need a passport. There is really no reason a grown man over 20 shouldn’t have a passport. The process is very simple and homeland security department can usually turn it around in four to six weeks. All of the forms you need are available via The Postal Service

Once you’ve completed the forms bring all pertinent documents, proof of ID, proof of citizenship to your local post office… They will complete the process and submit it to the homeland security department… When you’ve received your passport you’re ready to go..  Ensure you KNOW where the state department is and take multiple forms of ID… If you lose your passport, the only way you’re getting home is through the State Dept.

Second, Given that you’ve paid for your hotel and flight before hand.. ensure you have enough available credit on your credit card… Not only for hotel incidentals but for dining out… Credit cards are the best way not to have to carry cash, and to control your spending.

Make a stop at the currency exchange..  and carry small amounts of cash with you. Large amounts of cash have a tendency to disappear. Being stuck in a foreign country with no cash is not good.

Last… Stay away from areas of town that are not tourist areas.  Everyplace is NOT safe for Americans to travel.. Know where you are, Identify landmarks, and don’t let taxi drivers drive you to places unfamiliar to you.. Especially in South America!!!!... Take time to walk around and discover.

I personally love the fact that Europe is mostly a backpacking continent. Walking and discovering is great..

In the end, have fun… Leaving the USA will open up horizons for you that traveling inside the USA can never give you..  Toronto is a beautiful city, as is Geneva, London, Paris, Rome… the list goes on…

I hope to go to Monte Carlo, Bahrain, Egypt and Singapore now that my kids are all out of high school and will be starting their lives as adults…   Thankfully I’m young enough to do so.. and still enjoy it…

Enjoy the summer… Travel… Chao…

Editor - DNYC

Passports & Credit Cards - Travel Edition

Gentlemen… It is officially vacation and travel season.. Whether you’re going to Lisbon or Montreal… to Bahrain or Singapore there are going to be a few things you’re going to need..

First Pack and check in your bag for your entire trip, plus two days in case you get stuck in a foreign airport. Then Pack a carry on bag so that if your baggage gets lost you have a change of clothes.. Most hotels, even international hotels have laundry service (ask the concierge when you check in)… Dress appropriate for the weather…

Before you travel internationally, you will need a passport. There is really no reason a grown man over 20 shouldn’t have a passport. The process is very simple and homeland security department can usually turn it around in four to six weeks. All of the forms you need are available via http://www.usps.com/passport/welcome.htm

Once you’ve completed the forms bring all pertinent documents, proof of ID, proof of citizenship to your local post office… They will complete the process and submit it to the homeland security department… When you’ve received your passport you’re ready to go..  Ensure you KNOW where the state department is and take multiple forms of ID… If you lose your passport, the only way you’re getting home is through the State Dept.

Second, Given that you’ve paid for your hotel and flight before hand.. ensure you have enough available credit on your credit card… Not only for hotel incidentals but for dining out… Credit cards are the best way not to have to carry cash, and to control your spending.

Make a stop at the currency exchange..  and carry small amounts of cash with you. Large amounts of cash have a tendency to disappear. Being stuck in a foreign country with no cash is not good.

Last… Stay away from areas of town that are not tourist areas.  Everyplace is NOT safe for Americans to travel.. Know where you are, Identify landmarks, and don’t let taxi drivers drive you to places unfamiliar to you.. Especially in South America!!!!... Take time to walk around and discover.

I personally love the fact that Europe is mostly a backpacking continent. Walking and discovering is great..

In the end, have fun… Leaving the USA will open up horizons for you that traveling inside the USA can never give you..  Toronto is a beautiful city, as is Geneva, London, Paris, Rome… the list goes on…

I hope to go to Monte Carlo, Bahrain, Egypt and Singapore now that my kids are all out of high school and will be starting their lives as adults…   Thankfully I’m young enough to do so.. and still enjoy it…

Enjoy the summer… Travel… Chao…

Editor - DNYC

The Damaged Man

Gentlemen, its been some time since I’ve contributed to this blog. I want to speak to you specifically and perhaps women generally..

Today’s topic… The damaged man.. Many women assume that a bruised, hurt, or damaged man is due to some woman in his past who hurt him so deeply that he’s unable to recover.. This is simultaneously true and patently false

The fallacy is that women like to believe that they’ve got that much power or control over a man to “break him” or damage him for all other future women.. In reality, women do have much power over men..  but not that much!!!

Almost everything that a man is and everything he does is to attract and keep a woman.. Men are in a primal tug of war for the best women to progenerate their name and likeness to another generation… Men cut their hair, exercise, purchase nice cars and homes… men buy cologne for among many reasons to attract women…. Men love and protect their daughters, but are extremely happy and proud of their sons.. Most sons end up pursuing careers very similar to their dads… (not sperm donors)… DADS….

The bruised man is more times than not incapable of having a mature secure relationship. Something happened in his childhood or adolescence that has him hurt… Perhaps it was not being physically strong, perhaps it was the lack of love or support from his parents… or… perhaps it was a woman who bruised him deeply with rejection. Whatever the reason, that man needs to spend time fixing himself. Be it therapy, spiritual/religious counseling or just self reflection... He needs to fix himself..

We see the angry, bitter, and damaged woman all the time.. why because women are expressive of their emotions… Men seem to seethe or marinate in their emotions and the damage isn’t usually revealed to women until that woman is in a relationship with that man… or considering a relationship with him… The biggest issue with men is that we’re socialized to not show emotion…. Emotion = soft… and no man wants to be seen by women as soft…

The dichotomy, when a man opens himself up and reveals his true self to his woman, there’s nothing she cannot help him heal from. Women by their very nature are nurturers. Scripturally they are help-mates…  So who’s the best candidate to open up and reveal all..

I’m not intimating that men turn into a puddle of goo for every woman… clearly some women will use and manipulate the information or emotion to control that mans every move and thought…Gentlemen, discern wisely who you will reveal what information to…. And when you’ve found that woman who can hold your heart in her hand and take care of it as if it were her own…. Then you’ve found the woman that you’re ready to spend your life with… reveal your heart and watch how she responds…

The damaged man does exist… Gentlemen, look in the mirror… and determine if it is you!!!

Namaste!
Editor - DNYC