Man Up, D-Up: A Woman Speaks

I am a woman and I love sports. Decent seats to see MJ’s return from retirement to play the Knicks, a thousand dollars. The chance to see a last second shot, the clutch play, that “tongue”, priceless. And the off the court activities and subplots make the four quarters more than just a game. It’s not the 4 star restaurant I love, it’s a good game party at home or the local sports bar where not only beer and wings are flowing, but to hear regular everyday men become experts, scholars, scientists of the game is mesmerizing.

Actually, it’s closer to a miracle as I sip a Cosmo listening to my girls complaining about how hard it is to get their SO to talk. Say it ain’t so Joanne, because I just heard him deliver a 10 minute thesis on why Lebron will never be the next Michael Jordan. He had evidence to support his position, stats dating as far back as 1995. Surely, this man can hold his own in a relationship conversation, cant he?

Simple answer: No! In some weird freak of nature, the human male can dissect and analyze any sport and articulate his position to his fellow sport lovers or his apathetic wife who doesn’t get why he spends hours watching grown men run around chasing a ball. To speak fluently like this in two different languages takes a skill, a certain finesse people go to school for years to develop. But that same man hasn’t made the connection between the very sports he loves and the woman who hates his love of said sport.

Offense sells tickets, defense wins games!!! No one will argue this point when it comes to the NBA or NFL but your relationship? Short answer: Indeed.

Gentleman, think back to the first time you saw “her”. You had to have her and nothing in the world was going to stop you. Morning phone calls, random text messages, corny jokes, unmerited compliments; you were going in for the layup and Shaq couldn’t stop you. You were in the zone and if the truth be told, the more difficult she was, the more effort you put in.

Days, weeks, months, for some of you years later you broke her down and she said yes, we can go out on a real date or yes, I want to be with only you, or yes I will marry you. The crowd is on their feet cheering because with seconds left on the clock you made the buzzer beater. Game over!

Not even. What many men do is put all their energy into their offensive game, but not as much as a thought about their defense: In plain English, you got her, now what?

Now is where the work begins. Now is where you spend your time, money, and energy on the plays that will not get you a spot on ESPN’s plays of the game but will win the game for you.

You got the girl, you scored the goal, but don’t forget you have an opponent. For some, you are playing against her career, her independent lifestyle, her 25 years of watching Oprah, and yes for some, another man (women are not as loyal as you want to believe we are. Most divorces are initiated by the woman, think about it)!

So what do you do? Get back on defense! If you don’t want to come second to a career, make being home with YOU more appealing than working overtime or jockeying for a raise. You want her to turn your house into a home, compliment her skills in the kitchen, stock the frig with the ingredients for those chinese ribs that only she and PF Changs can make (yes, women have egos too!) You don’t want her going to happy hour with male “friends” block their shots:  Call her and if she doesn’t answer leave a message, send random text messages, send songs from youtube to her phone that mean something (I must admit, my man started doing this and this cheap move won me over. Homie had me waking up early waiting for a song, he gets cool points for that!) You want her to watch the game, make a bet. If your team loses, she gets a body massage and if your team wins… (okay I set up the alley-oop, throw it down, player)

If I had lead with this, you wouldn’t have heard it but I gotta break it down now. Your woman needs you to be checked in 100% to your relationship.  She wants to be everything you want her to be, but she won’t risk giving everything and getting nothing in return. Daily, she needs to feel that she is on your mind. She needs to have evidence that you have not forgotten her and that you are not taking her presence in your life for granted.  It’s not the big things, it’s the little ones. I watched my mother chew into my father for years accusing him of not caring. She stopped cooking and wearing makeup and jewelry (and only they know what else) He didn’t realize he was a candy bar away from being husband of the year and more importantly, quieting her complaining. Most men are like my dad. You are a candy bar, or a dollar flower (most women like a flower that’s cheaper than roses) an iPod download, a car wash, a dry cleaning pick up away from winning. Time out tip: You can’t play half of a game and expect to win. Be defensive minded.

Unlike the Mavs, you can’t always come from behind and win. (For those who are metaphorically challenged, winning is having a successful and enjoyable relationship that is not laced with arguments and infidelity)

If this seems like work, that’s because it is. If it seems like you have to do something every single day, that’s because you do.

Think of it like this: It’s a lot cheaper than a divorce!

Contributor - Celeste Layton